Thursday, June 29, 2006

Dancing with myself

I am so dog tired today so I'm not sure how entertaining this will be.

I think it has something to do with the baking I did last night. I made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for a playdate today and I love to bake so it really isn't a chore. I think what made me tired was the unreasonable amount of cookies I devoured today.

See, this is how it goes. I bake 5 dozen cookies. Then I'm not sure if they are any good so I have to taste them. I'm still not sure, so I enlist the help of my husband and ask him to taste. He says they are delicious, but I don't believe him. So I try another. When I determine that they are good, I start packing them away in containers.

About 2/3rds of the way through, I realize the container I chose isn't large enough to accomodate 5 dozen cookies. But I keep trying with different containers, all to no avail.

And so the ritual begins.

Let's call it the "Pretend I'm surprised when I really know better and I've been through this a million times" dance.

Step 1 Bake cookies as small as possible. Smaller cookies means you can trick your brain into believing that eating 15 small cookies is nowhere near as bad as eating 4 regular size ones.

Step 2 Test cookies repeatedly until you are certain they are tasty. After cookies have cooled completely, perform another taste test with your evening cup of tea.

Step 3 Attempt to store cookies in containers that can only hold 4.5 dozen cookies. Store remaining cookies in your stomach.

Step 4 Prepare cookies on a serving plate. Check for freshness by eating a few more.

Step 5 Serve cookies. Allow your guests to indulge themselves first, then eat some yourself to reassure your guests that you are not trying to poison them.

Step 6 Send some cookies away with your guests. Give most of them away, but hang on to some.


After all, they were darn good cookies.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The DNA ladder

Here's some shocking news: Life just isn't fair. Quite the revelation isn't it?

But here's why life isn't fair to me:

I have been on diets almost my whole life - except for a period when I thought big was beautiful . I was 10 when my mother took me to my first weight watchers meeting, and that was after visiting more than one nutritionist.

Needless to say, food has always been an issue for me. I think I started becoming an emotional eater around the age of five. Being the child of a single working mother, I was alone - correction - lonely alot and I learned early about the comfort of getting to the bottom of a bag of Oreos.

I was also blessed with a mother who hid and hoarded food. She really thought she was doing the right thing in order to keep my weight down. But the result was that to this day I feel I need to eat the entire bag of chips before it's taken away or eaten by someone else.

Genetics are also a factor in my family. Both my parents are overweight, and as my dad likes to say "I come by it naturally". Strangely enough, this somehow made me feel better about my weight, but it was a dangerous way to ignore it.

The odds are stacked against me. For me, it's more than just going on a diet - I have to change more than 30 years of emotional wreckage. My loving husband is in the same boat. So when we're feeling stressed, we flip a coin to see who's going to get the chips. I love him dearly, but I think we are killing each other.

So there you have it. I'll never be a size four again - but the 2 days I was that size sure were memorable . My tummy will never be flat, my hips will always stick out and I'm pretty sure my thighs will touch each other even long after I'm gone. And even when I do lose all the weight, I'll still have to deal with everything giving into gravity.

It's okay though. I'm learning to be at peace with myself. My best friend in North Carolina used to be a size 0. She's now a 14. The lesson here: it always catches up with you. But she's so fine with it. She likes to say "Hey, I figure we all just have be different sizes." Bless her heart.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Winning the war

I did something really brave today: I got on the scale. I hadn't been on that thing since March and I was completely hoping the batteries were dead.

Of all the small household appliances, this is the one that can take me through a range of emotions within 3 minutes. Fear. Loathing. Depression. Bliss. Joy. Denial. A ridiculous piece of machinery that requires a 9-volt should not have that much power. A scale is like a vibrator: almost every woman has had one in her house at one time or another and hopes she never has to use it.

Sometimes I feel sorry for the silly little scale. It takes a lot of abuse. Besides having to bear my weight, it has been subjected to many kicks and shoves against the bathroom wall. It's place in the bathroom is a punishment in itself - right next to the toilet, where it's closest neighbour is the garbage can. It's subjected to daily bursts of steam and suffers the indignity of catching dental floss or q-tips that didn't quite make it to the trash. No wonder it's a miserable little machine!

I've often thought of throwing it away for good. But I can never bring myself to do it. It's not like I need it there to remind me I have to lose weight. I keep it because I think it motivates me to work harder whether the numbers get lower or higher.

But today the batteries weren't dead. Surprisingly, it wasn't horrible. Since March, I've lost..drumroll please......5 pounds. And that was without really trying. Imagine what would happen if I really put some effort into my weight loss.

And that little machine won the war again today, but in a good way. Seeing the loss actually made me go downstairs and get on the treadmill. For once I actually wanted to hug my scale...but ewww...I don't want to touch something that's right next to the toilet!

Monday, June 12, 2006

The cost of living

Today, I was surfing the web and I found a fabulous house that my realtor has for sale in Signal Hill. Everything about this house is perfect - the colors, the set-up, the kitchen. I want this house.

There's one small problem: it's priced at $995,000.

But I figure if I cut out the junk food, drive through and take out, then I could save that money towards the purchase of this home. Of course, when I really think sensibly about it, I would have to give up much more than that.

I'd definitely have to stop buying $3.75 cauliflower and $3.00 canteloupes. No more luxury of peppers that are $2.99 per pound. Ditto the mushrooms. Forget about the $2.50 head of romaine lettuce or the pricey asian pears we like.

If I stick to Kraft dinner and the banged up cans of Alphagetti that we buy at a discount, then maybe we can afford a little more house.

Of course, eating that way would mean we would need to do major renovations in order for me to fit through the doors......

Friday, June 9, 2006

Sharing is good for you?

Today was not a horrible day. I actually shared a bagel with the boys this morning and was good to go. I had a couple of friends come over this morning, and one of them made chocolate cupcakes...yummy! We all indulged and didn't feel guilty for one second.

I think I made one of my friends feel better about her size: she's 30 weeks pregnant and is feeling large. So I grabbed a cupcake and told her I wasn't going to let her be the biggest one in the group. It wasn't for comic relief - I'm an overachiever and I believe anything worth doing is worth overdoing. No sense buying a chocolate cake unless you intend to eat the whole thing.

I paid some bills today and I realized that my bank statement really looks like a who's who of drive thru and food courts. I think I need to call the bank and ask them to take away my debit privileges, but I'm sure there would be serious service charges for that. That would stress me out and I'd head to the closest junk food drive thru...only to discover my card is frozen and I have no cash. So I'd have to go to the grocery store where I can pay with credit card...and well...then we're back to the whole chocolate cake thing again.

What's a girl to do?

Buy a big party bag of chips......

Thursday, June 8, 2006

And so I begin

Okay, so here goes....

I had some quiet time today and instead of being productive, I'm sitting at the computer eating a bag of chips. And I start thinking about how much junk food I really eat. I'm a junk food junkie - I'll choose chips and chocolate and ice cream over real food anyday.

So I thought I'd start a journal - not so much to talk about my weight loss, but more so I have a log of my terrible eating habits. That will make it easier for the doctors later.

Today was a horrible day for food. We had to be out of the house by 9am, so no breaky for mommy. Feed the kids, get them dressed and get out. Pick up McD's on the way home because I'm so hungry and too lazy to prepare something when we get home.

Nice...I'm passing my crappy habits onto my kids. Now that's a loving mother. Thank goodness the McNuggets are now made with all white meat. Makes me feel a little better.

And now my thoughts are turning to dinner. We have leftover quesadillas that I made last night. At least dinner won't be a write off. Maybe I'll just have some salad...after all, it's already made and just waiting for me to open the bag. Doesn't get much simpler.

By the way...the subject line is my motto. No matter whether I was a size four (oh...the skinny days when I was completely unhappy in a wasted marriage) or a size 22, my cosmetics always fit. Maybe that's why I'm so attached to my MAC ....